Barbara worked as a solicitor at Macleod and MacCallum in Inverness. She lived alone in Crown. Barbara lived a pretty clean existence. She did not smoke or drink. She had two relationships in her 40 year long life. Her one vice was Haribo sweets. Everyday before work she would go into Poundland on the High Street and buy a bag of Tangfastics to keep at her desk and keep her going throughout the day.

Barbara was dedicated to her job. There was no funny business with the other solicitors. Her colleagues would wonder when she would finally remove the stick from her ass.

Well today was that day. After work one Friday, Barbara needed a sugar rush. It was November so it was already dark after 5pm. She walked into Poundland in her Marks and Spencers suit and chunky Clark heels. She grabbed a bag of Haribo Giant Strawbs. There was no one else in the large store except the sales assistant. A gawky 20 something year old who looked incredibly bored. Barbara walked up to the check out and gave a slight smile and nod to the sales assistant.

“That will be a pound please.”

Out of nowhere, there was a loud smash.

Barbara and the sales assistant dropped to their knees. Barbara crawled behind the Doritos stand and peeked out. Outside there was a man wearing a gas mask holding a knife. He had just thrown a rock through the window.

“What the fuck was that?” whispered the sales assistant.

“I’ve heard about this freak. He breaks into stores around the Highlands and murders anyone inside.” Barbara pulled out her mobile phone and tried to call the police. She wasn’t getting any reception.

Barbara crawled to hide behind the till. “Do you have a phone?”

“The battery is dead.” The sales assistant was slumped in the corner staring into space in shock.

“Maybe we’ll just have to wait it out.” Barbara took off her uncomfortable heels. “What’s your name?

“Kyle,” he muttered in between deep breaths.

“Well Kyle, how do you like working at Poundland?”

“I hate it. Except the discount is ok. I get Haribo for 50p”

In response to this, Barbara pulled out her Haribo Giant Strawbs and offered him some. They could hear the man shouting and throwing rocks at the wall outside.

“Hopefully he gives up eventually,” Barbara muttered. An hour had already passed. Barbara decided to make conversation with Kyle. Where was he from? Was he studying Et cetera ? Kyle spoke about how he was from North Uist originally and was studying English literature. It turns out they had a lot in common. They both liked sweets and both liked books. The conversation soon turned flirtatious.

“So if you’re a MILF, why are you single?” Kyle’s eyes lit up as he said this.

“I work all the time,” Barbara blushed. She looked at Kyle. He moved in to kiss her. Barbara went with it. She hadn’t had sex in 5 years and she might die tonight.

Kyle was kissing her and began to unbutton her blouse. He put his hands down her trousers and inserted his finger inside of her. Barbara may have removed the stick from her ass but she got a finger in her vagina.

Heather would masturbate to interviews or podcasts with famous writer’s most nights. She would have to partake in this ritual as a form of revenge procrastination. It was her ASMR. She was a true sapiosexual. She felt that if she screwed intelligent men she would absorb their knowledge and become a genius herself so she could become a full-on autosexual.

Heather was obsessed with the author Adam Jarrod Smith and she knew he was in town. Adam Jarrod Smith was so intelligent that his books were illegible. Each of his novels had about 10 plots going on at once and half the novels were endnotes. Genius!

Adam Jarrod Smith was also hot in a kinda sensitive tortured soul kind of way. Like nobody could understand him. But Heather could. Heather was determined to meet him. Maybe she could seduce him with her smoking hot looks. She’d make this big intelligent big man weak at the knees and turn him into an animal.

Adam Jarrod Smith was doing a reading of his 2,000 page novel The Squirrel Chooses the High Nuts tonight at 7pm at the book shop The Wet Quill. Heather had been planning her outfit all month. She decided to go for a dark red dress as red was the colour of passion and dominance.

Heather glided in The Wet Quill. She spotted her target. He was shuffling through papers. He was wearing his signature leather jacket and big boots. He was tall. Heather sat in the middle row with the rest of the audience. The bookshop was full. Adam Jarrod Smith stood up. He seemed tired and bored like he was about to start his shift at Costco.

“Well let’s get started,” he shrugged. He began to read. Despite his unenthusiastic vibe, his beautiful words still moved Heather. The way he described the world so honestly and in such a complex way. Heather was moist.

The reading was over and Adam Jarrod Smith thanked everyone. Heather waited until the swarms of hipster girls, softbois and litbros left after getting a picture with Adam Jarrod Smith. Heather snaked up to Adam Jarrod Smith. “That was fucking amazing.”

“Thanks,” Adam Jarrod Smith nodded casually while gathering up his papers. Heather knew she had to get his attention. He was probably used to hotter, younger girls throwing themselves at him. Heather let the words just flow out of her.

“I think you’re such a genius your jizz and smegma should be bottled and made into ink to be used to write novels.”

Adam Jarrod Smith looked up at her in amazement. He was speechless. So was Heather. They were frozen, staring at each other. Heather could not believe what she had just said.

Adam Jarrod Smith broke the silence, “Ok, how much would you pay for it?”

Heather thought for a second. How much should she pay for it? How much did she have in her savings account? £2,000. She spoke before she could think. “£2,000.”

“Fuck it, why not,” he shrugged.

“Oh ok. You want to do it now?”

“Sure.” Adam Jarrod Smith picked up an empty plastic bottle. “How much do you need?”

“Enough for a short story?”

He nodded and strolled off to the toilet. Heather sat down.

Three hours later he returned holding the plastic bottle. It was filled with a gooey white liquid with small chunks of yellow in it. That must have been the smegma. He passed her the bottle. “I’ll write down my bank details.” He grabbed a post-it note and noted down his details and handed the post-it note to her. He then grabbed his bag and started walking out the door. He turned back. “Let me know how the short story goes.” Then he left.

Heather was frozen for about 5 minutes. She turned around and walked out.

When Heather got home she knew she needed to write straight away or else what was the point in all this madness. She sat down and began to write.

She wrote down anything that came out of her head using the smegma and jizz ink and her quill. She wrote about a tea party she hosted for all her teddy bears when she was five. Surely this trite would turn into gold with her new ink.

The sun began to rise. Heather had been working off adrenaline all night. She went for a nap to allow the ink to dry.

After she woke up, the ink looked dry. She took a close look. “Hmm will anybody be able to read this?” The ink had melted into the paper and ran. Not wanting to give up on her fantasy. Heather decided to parcel up the writing and sent it off to a local publishing house- Mustard Custard publishing.

A week later the receptionist, Janice, at Mustard Custard publishing received the package. She opened it and pulled out the pages. They were all stuck together.

“What the hell is this?..Smells funny.” She showed it to her boss.

“Ugh. Just throw it in the bin,” he replied.

Janice threw the short story in the biohazardous waste bin.

Chloe dreamed that if she did not see a concert last night she would become a foul smelling gas, therefore she called her friends Ashley, Janet and Karen to see Jimmy Page play a guitar concert at the Rock in Tucson last night. It was such a good concert! Jimmy Page is a white man who plays guitar. Chloe very much enjoys seeing men perform in all areas of the performing arts. She felt they were a talented and delightful gender of performers, who are often very entertaining. She often enjoyed listening to them from a distance, for close up famous men frequently smell unpleasant.

Chloe was late to the concert as her Friend with Benefits was busy giving her a rim job. The pleasure Chloe received from being rimmed outweighed the frustration of being late to the concert. However, she hurried as she did not want to evolve into a different state of matter.

Ashley, Janet and Karen took their pick up truck to the concert and picked up Chloe on their way into Tucson. Chloe wanted to find a man with long hair to take home with her after the concert. She made her intention apparent to Ashley, Janet and Karen.

After the truck had been parked, Chloe, Ashley, Janet and Karen ascended into the concert. Janet was meeting her on again off again boyfriend Brian. Brian was bringing along his friends Robert, David and Mike.

The Rock was packed and the stage lighting glowed purple. Chloe, Ashley, Janet and Karen found Brian, Robert, David and Mike. They all attempted to make small talk within the crowded concert hall but it proved challenging. The concert allowed Chloe to feel stable in her solid state. After 1 hour 15 minutes of hard rock n roll playing, the concert was over. Chloe, Ashley, Janet, Karen, Brian, Robert, David and Mike went to a bar called the Shanty across the street.

After purchasing their drinks and settling into their seats Chloe began talking with Brian’s friend David. David was handsome in a stonerish way. He had long dark blond hair and glasses. David said he liked Chloe’s silver lamé leotard. Chloe decided not to waste time and asked if David wanted to see “her puppy”. They swiftly left the Shanty.

In the cab ride home they continued to keep up the pretence that they were just going to “hang out” or whatever. They then arrived at Chloe’s apartment and stubbled up the stairs. David looked around with delight at the apartment’s lack of animals so he knew when she said puppy she meant vagina.

Chloe poured them both a glass of red wine and they both sat on her bed. David spoke about a novel he was working on and how he was having difficulty getting it edited. Chloe couldn’t relate as she was a writer who had never been published.

After they finished the wine, Chloe began to kiss David and remove his clothes. He clumsily removed her leotard with her help. They were both naked.

David began to kiss Chloe’s thighs and inch towards her centre and started eating her out. He was good. Not too hard and not too soft.

Chloe began to reach for David’s long hair. She lightly held it so that he would think she was just playing with it. She began to subtly plait his hair into pigtails. Chloe was skilled- she could moan and groan, while she intricately weaved his hair together. After she completed the hair style, she knew she had to seal it. She lightly took the gorilla glue out of her draw and began to glue the hair in place.

She could now relax.

She was so satisfied with her effort, she began to climax.

After she was done shaking, David raised his head up. He wiped his face. Soon his face turned from smug to panicked as he felt the weight of the gorilla glue in his hair.

“What the fuck?!” he shouted.

Chloe didn’t care. She was no longer a solid entity.

She was now a foul smelling gas.

Elizabeth never felt clear, like her body was blocked up or had a bottleneck of her own bodily fluids. She floated through life experiencing this constant discomfort. The one relief she had was shoving her Olbas inhaler up her nose. She did this openly. She didn’t care if people thought she was slovenly.

When she had sex with her boyfriend, often she  would struggle to get comfortable . Her vagina was either too dry or full of discharge due to her birth control. It often felt like her vagina was full of phlegm. She craved a wetness that wasn’t a gross gloopiness.

One Saturday morning, Elizabeth and her boyfriend were having sex.

“Ugh can we stop for a second,” she whispered.

“Sure.” He pulled out.

“I’m finding it hard to get comfortable. I don’t know what to do.” Elizabeth reached for her Olbas inhaler and shoved it up her nose and snorted.

“God you really fucking love that inhaler. Maybe you should start having sex with it.” He folded his arms in pure jealousy. How dare she enjoy this inhaler so much.

Elizabeth sat for a minute, frustrated. She really wanted to come more than ever. She really did love that inhaler.

Elizabeth picked up the inhaler and began to insert it into her vagina and moved it in and out and took deep breaths. As she breathed in, she could feel the menthol consume her. Her clitoris became covered in menthol. Her vagina began to throb.

Her boyfriend sat in amazement.

She moved her hand vigorously until she came. She wasn’t finished. She pulled out her nasal spray from her draw and sprayed it into her vagina.

“Ah Fuck!” She began to squirt all over her boyfriend’s silk sheets.